Thanks for your thank-you note which arrived today. I am glad to see that the Appleton Marsh Post Office has finally got the hang of airmail.
The note, and your recent blog post actually caused me some alarm because I didn’t get around to dispatching a parcel to DBLW this year and so I fear we may both be the victims of some kind of scam.
Could I ask you to check very carefully the bottle opener that arrived in my name? Are you quite sure that it features the features of the late Pope John Paul 1? I ask because I imagine this is quite a rare item–the poor man wasn’t really Pontiff for long enough to create much demand for souvenirs. If indeed it was a diecast JP1 (glasses, creepy looking fringe, bad shave) that dropped on to the DBLW doormat I fear my name and yours may be a cover for international kitsch thieves and I must warn you to expect a visit from thugs pretending to be thirsty. Just hand over the bottle opener Doris and ask no questions.They are probably members of an international gimcrack ring.
Of course, if the bottle opener features the more popular and robust JP2 (kindly expression, no fringe) then I have a wholly different set of qualms and questions and must warn you to expect unpleasantness forthwith.
As you know, I have long suspected Spud Hughes of walking off with my momento of everyone’s favorite Pope. My reasoning:
- Spud is a man who likes a beer
- Spud would not consider a Protestant cutlery drawer a suitable home for papal memorabilia and there is a history of liberation fighting (Pah!) in his extended circle stretching way back to 1916.
- Spud is known to bear a grudge and there is an incident involving my mangling of his favorite potato masher in our shared past (a little trouble with an undercooked swede. IKEA implements are so flimsy).
Could I ask you to check the jiffy bag and see if the parcel was postmarked Newry? Did the handwriting smack of hedge school? If the postage was underpaid we need look no further…we will have our man.
For the last couple of years, I have been denied the pleasure of deploying the Pope every time I want to pop a beer and Spud has hotly denied any involvement in the Papal disappearance which begs the question why now Doris? and why you?
It could be that the man has a conscience and this is one way for him to return the stolen goods, assuming that you would regift the bottle opener to me next year, either because you dimly remember that I collect curios from the Church of Rome or (more likely) because you wouldn’t remember that it was supposed to have come from me.
Or it could be more sinister. Perhaps he had hoped to turn us against each other the next time I chanced by Appleton Marsh. He couldn’t have known that you would immediately write a thank you note upon receiving the precious item. He probably relished the thought of me turning upon you in anger the moment I found the Pope hidden ‘neath the pickle forks.
Or perhaps he’s short of cash and hoped to extort money with menaces, knowing you would never hand over a gift you supposed to have been selected, wrapped and sent by me all the way from the United States.Check the post carefully for ransom notes and beware of anything postmarked County Down.
It’s a mystery to be sure Doris–very Da Vinci code– and something which threatens to cast a pall over the Holy holiday season.I suppose we will just have to sit tight and see what happens next.
I am glad to know that you had a good time on Christmas Day. Did Sebastian buy Kirsty’s Picasso or must everyone in the Cheriton Bishop licensing district drive a car named for a Cubist? Thanks for the trousers. I suit a drop crotch and of course mustard is my color. Very thoughtful I must say.
Yours aye, Blabs.