Crocheted unmentionables and smelly sleep partners

For the last few nights, Peggoty has been sleeping curled up with an onion. She keeps it chopped up and in a Santa sock. She believes the onion will help her shake off the chest cold that has beset her since before Valentine’s Day. So far, the only thing that has been shaken off is Barkis who confided to me that he is tired of sleeping in a bed that smells like a Frenchman’s shed. Peggoty believes that one morning she will wake up to discover that the onion has turned black ” It will be the toxins transferring from my bronchial tubes” she whispered, for her ailment has rendered her almost speechless. Barkis harrumphed. For him, black is not best in bed.

Close_up_of_multi-coloured_knitting_slip-stitchesAcross the Atlantic,there is to be a performance of the Ulster Kama Sutra at the Grand Opera House in Belfast. Spud Hughes has his ticket and is practicing what he likes to think of as his Marvin Gaye maneuvers. I know little of the Hindu hot text but I understand that the Northern Ireland stage version relies on puppets with crocheted unmentionables to educate the good people of the Province in exotic and erotic ways of the flesh. Or maybe that’s just a yarn?

A yarn’s usefulness is judged by several factors, such as its loft (its ability to trap air), its resilience (elasticity under tension), its washability and colorfastness, its hand (its feel, particularly softness vs. scratchiness), its durability against abrasion, its resistance to pilling, its hairiness (fuzziness), its tendency to twist or untwist, its blocking and felting qualities, its comfort (breathability, moisture absorption, wicking properties) and of course its look, which includes its color, sheen, smoothness and ornamental features.

photo (2)Only in the land of my birth would private parts be rendered in 4-ply. I can just imagine someone’s granny saying ” Tat what?  Well, if it needs to be stretchy and hard-wearing and washable you’ll be wanting aran acrylic mix” or “Pass me the double-pointed needles. Seven inches won’t be a stretch. Do you want that in cable stitch?”

About Liz Barron

US Peace Corps Volunteer in Armenia. Permanent address in Washington DC. Deep roots in Northern Ireland and persistent Belfast accent. Blogger,cook, mother, grandma, Scrabble-player and enthusiastic world traveler.
This entry was posted in Culture with the Crone, itchy ankle, Sex, You can take the Crone out of Ireland and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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